Master the Different Myers-Briggs Types
As you both know, I’m a huge fan of the Myers-Briggs Typology Inventory (MBTI), but what you may not know is why. Back in the early years of my former career, I was getting tired/exhausted from all the conflict. No matter what the subject, it seemed like someone always disagreed–which often lead to letters (this was pre-email), meetings, messy relationships and sometimes people leaving. I tried to calm and reassure your mother that this was true of every church (it is). And I even took out five year’s editions of a pastoral leadership journal to show her that virtually every edition had at least one article on church conflict.
However, after two or three years of this, I was getting tired of it. 
Then I read a book by David Kiersey and Marilyn Bates entitled, “Please Understand Me: Character and Personality Types,” and everything changed. Using the major Myers-Briggs types they helped me to understand that most of the conflict that people have in relationships isn’t over what most people think it is–the issue. Instead, most conflict is over how they see the world differently. Once I understood that, the world changed. And the more I’ve read and studied the Myers-Briggs types, the more I’m convinced that anyone who wants to succeed (at home, at work, or at play) really ought to own some kind of personality inventory (of which I think the Myers-Briggs is the best option).
What amazes me is that the whole of life (yours/mine/everyone’s) is made up of relationships, yet very few people take the time to really study them and, more importantly, to understand how to work with people who are fundamentally different than them. The person you will marry someday. The kids you’ll have. The bosses you’ll work for. The employees you’ll lead/manage. The neighbors you’ll live next to. As well as the friends/colleagues/clients/classmates/acquaintances/etc. that you’ll meet along the way—all of them will be different than you.
So how can you short cut the learning process in order to quickly figure out how to work with people who are different than you? Exactly! By finding and mastering an inventory like the Myers-Briggs to give you a head start. Now, as you’ve repeatedly heard me say, “A typology is not meant to be prescriptive, but descriptive (i.e. just because someone has a natural tendency to do something doesn’t mean they have to act that way. The most obvious example of that is me. Even though, as you know, I’m an introvert by nature, most people who interact with me think I’m an extrovert. Why? Because I choose to act in a way contrary to my nature in order to be what people need me to be. After all, this life isn’t about us, is it?). In other words, you don’t want to put people in a box. However, the MBTI will give you a short cut for understanding the myriad of relationships you’ll encounter between now and the time you die.
That said, here are some of the things you can short circuit and get to know quickly about the people you encounter–if you master the MBTI.
- What they’re probably good at doing
- What they’re probably weak at doing
- What probably drives them
- What they probably like
- What they probably don’t like
- What they probably need
- What kinds of environments they’ll probably flourish best in
- What probably stresses them out (and how they’ll probably respond)
- What they probably value
- What probably motivates them
- What probably de-motivates them
- How to improve communicating with them
- How they’ll probably act in meetings
- What kinds of projects to assign or not assign to them
- What kinds of activities that they’ll probably enjoy or engage in
- What kinds of work they’ll probably find most fulfilling
- How they’ll probably get re-energized
- How they’ll probably process information
- How they’ll probably make decisions
- How they’ll probably like to order their life
That’s a pretty impressive list, isn’t it? Now, if you could know all that information about virtually anyone one you meet (in a short span of time), don’t you think that would be valuable? And if you not only knew their personality type, but your Myers-Briggs type as well, don’t you think that would help you know how to resolve conflict better? Or lead/manage them better? Or communicate with them more effectively? Or work with them? Or find common ground more quickly? Absolutely!
So my recommendation to the two of you is to pick up a book on Myers-Briggs (or some other personality inventory) and begin to own the MBTI. While I started with ”Please Understand Me,“ there are plenty of good books (and websites) on the MBTI. In fact, ”Do What You Are,“ ”Type Talk at Work,“ and ”The Art of Speed-Reading People,“ are a few of my other favorites. Make your own ”cheat sheets.“ Test your ideas. And then use the Myers-Briggs typology as a framework to help you build better relationships–as well as to figure out how to untangle those relationships when conflict does occur (because it will).
Since the rest of your lives will be filled with relationships, I cannot overstate the importance of this practice. Avoid it at your peril!
If You Want to Get Where You Want to Go Faster, Plan
I know that the two of you have a personality preference for spontaneity over planning, for acting by the “seat of your pants” vs. taking intentional and deliberate pre-thought steps, but if you want to get where you want to go faster or accomplish something faster, then you’ll want to add planning and project management to your list of core competencies. Note: In Myers-Briggs language, this is not a “J” vs. “P” issue, this is a life and career management issue (i.e. don’t pass by this lesson).
So, why is this a life and career management issue? Simply put, planners get more done-–and they get it done faster. In the world of time management, the generally accepted time difference is that ONE hour in planning saves THREE to FOUR in execution. Now, think about that statement for a moment. By simply taking the time to plan what needs to be done, you can literally save yourself hours of time that you would have spent just doing/executing (which, over the course of a lifetime, is equivalent to YEARS of time savings)
For example, let’s say you’re working on a project for work. If you don’t take the time to plan, you’ll come up with some general ideas (in your head), make assumptions about what should be done and when (in your head), and then dig in to whatever part seems most interesting to you—which may not be the right place to start or the best way to accomplish your objective.
If, on the other hand, you take the time to plan, you’ll get more clarity on the result you want to accomplish (which may actually change the project). Once you have complete clarity on what the actual result is that you want to achieve, you’ll then figure out what’s the best way to get there, you’ll figure out how to coordinate the different parts of the project so that they work best together in the best sequence, you’ll have a better timeline of what needs to be completed by when (and then work backwards to be assured that everything that needs to be accomplished is accomplished by the right dates), you may find some parts you can delegate out, and finally, if you need to go out and purchase a number of different items, you’ll be able to coordinate the purchase of those items and make one trip vs. multiple ones. At every level, planning achieves a better result—and faster!
Now, I know the two of you tend to think that this is just a dad/INTJ kind of thing—but it’s not. Planning is nothing more than taking the time to get clarity on where you are and where you want to go, and then figuring out the best way to get there. Even though the word, plan, is technically a four letter word, it is NOT a cuss word. Remember, personality preferences aren’t meant to be prescriptive, they’re meant to be descriptive. So, in general, the two of you prefer to be spontaneous. That’s wonderful!
However, your personality preferences aren’t meant to be determinative of your behavior. Just as I have to move outside of my “introversion” preference to interact with people, the two of you have to move outside of your “P” preference to do what is best for you. Even though you may not like lists, don’t fight something that can help you get where you want to go. I guarantee you that you’ll get more done, faster and better, with a list/plan, than you will without one.
Hopefully, I’ve modeled that for the two of you over the years. And while you may feel that planning “isn’t you,” I seriously want to encourage both of you to add more planning into your lives. Trust me on this—it’ll have a positive affect on your relationships, your work, your career, your interests/hobbies, your finances, your dreams, your health, etc. Everything gets better the more intentional you are.
So, please, don’t push this lesson aside. Your life, your career, your time—they’re all dependent upon you adding this core skill of planning and project management to your list of core competencies. You’ll get more done. You’ll get it done faster. You’ll get it done better. You’ll create more time and space for other things. You’ll avoid making a lot of mistakes. You’ll avoid wasting a lot of time. You’ll avoid massive amounts of conflict and miscommunication. And you’ll succeed at a higher level.
With all that at stake, hopefully, you’ll want to add this core skill to your core competencies (and not just think this is a dad thing—because it’s not).
As Within, So Without
If there’s ever anything that you’re not happy with or want to change on the outside of your life, then the place where you need to begin the process of changing it is on the inside—not the outside. Why? Because of the Law of Correspondence.
What is the Law of Correspondence? It’s an essential life principle that states that what takes place on the outside of your life, corresponds to what’s taking place on the inside of your life. For example, you’ve probably observed over the years that when you’re feeling a little blue, you probably tend to wear sweats and “baggier“ clothes. Why? Because what happens on the outside corresponds to what happens on the inside.
Once you begin to understand this principle, it’ll change how you go about creating any kind of change in your life. For example, if you notice that you’re not utilizing your time well (e.g. choosing to watch a lot of TV rather than doing something you know you should do or doing meaningless activities just to use up time) then you know that something is amiss internally. If you try to move from poor use of time to good use of time, it probably won’t work. Why? Because there’s something going on internally (in your beliefs or attitudes or self-esteem etc.) that is causing you to make poor choices about your time.
Or back to the dress illustration. If you notice that you’re consistently choosing to wear sweats (note: forget about work because work requires you to wear nice clothes, I’m talking about when you’re in complete control of your wardrobe choices), then you know there’s something going on inside. Just to go from sweats to nice casual isn’t the answer—there’s something going on inside that’s causing the behavior. If you change the belief, then you can change the behavior.
This is why it’s so incredibly important to continually work on developing high self-esteem. How you feel about yourself (from your character to your physique to your intelligence to your work to your relational abilities etc.) drives just about everything in your life. The better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll do in just about everything. Why? Because of the Law of Correspondence. If you feel good on the inside, you’ll perform well on the outside.
In addition, whenever you want to change something in your life, you always want to dig down deep and discover what beliefs you have about that area. Why? Because beliefs (internal) determine behaviors (external)—what happens on the inside will work itself out to the outside.
For example, right now I need to lose a few pounds. Using the Law of Correspondence, what’s on the outside is driven by what’s on the inside. Just trying to change the outside by going to the gym and eating healthier is a strategy doomed to fail. Why? Because I have a set of beliefs and emotions that have gotten me to this point. Just trying to change the outside, without working on changing the inside is pure foolishness.
This is why you’ll often hear people say, ”You need to change the picture you have of yourself!“ Why? Because if you change the picture (for ex. from ”I’m not successful“ to ”I am successful“), then you can change the behaviors (from self-sabotage to self-enhancement).
So never forget the Law of Correspondence. If you want to change anything on the outside of your life (i.e. a behavior you don’t like), then make sure you start by looking inside (your beliefs, emotions, self-esteem, etc.) … because ”As within, so without!“
The two of you are both so incredibly talented. There’s virtually nothing that you can’t do. But to get there, you’ll both need to do some head work because the Law of Correspondence is inviolate-able. “As within, so without,” is a rock solid principle you need to own and use to your advantage.
There is No Success Without Sacrifice
As I’ve mentioned before, most people like the idea of being better or being more successful or being fit or being happy or being in a great relationship—but yet they don’t really want those things—despite what they might say. Why do I say that? Because they’re not willing to do what’s necessary to obtain the very thing they say they want.
I’m sure you’ve observed this phenomenon among your peers. You probably have friends who’ve told you that they’d like to get good grades, yet they’re not willing to do the hard work necessary to get good grades. Instead they continue to play and party all day and night with their friends. Or you probably have friends who say they’d like to get healthy and in shape, yet they aren’t willing to change their eating habits or get up early to go to the gym. So do they really want to be healthy and fit? I don’t think so.
If you really want something—and it’s more than just a “like to have” or “sounds like a good idea” kind of thing—then you’re going to have to avoid doing what most people choose to do—and instead make some sacrifices. Why? Because there is no success without sacrifice.
The American ideal of, “You can have it all!” is a flat out lie. No one can have it all. In order to obtain anything worthwhile in life, you have to make sacrifices. You have to give up something NOW in order to obtain something that you perceive to be better LATER. It’s always been that way and it always will be. Remember, first you make your choices, then your choices make you.
1. If you’d like to be healthy and fit, then you have to be willing to say, “No!” to most of the food choices put in front of you. And you’re going to have to give up some other activities (which could include some sleep) in order to get some exercise in. No one gets healthy and fit by eating whatever they want and not exercising. Sacrifices have to be made. Why? Because there is no success without sacrifice.
2. If you want to be a successful employee, then you have to be willing to do some of the things most employees won’t. You’ll have to sacrifice some of “your time” so you can do work before or after the hours you’re required to work. You’ll have to read more or take more courses. You’ll have to say, “No!” to getting together with friends from time to time in order to get a project done or to volunteer for an extra assignment or to make sure you get to bed on time so you can be fully engaged at work the next day. Why? Because there is no success without sacrifice
3. If you’d like to be in a great relationship with a guy (yeah, I know, I can’t believe I just wrote that either :-), then you have to be willing to make some sacrifices. One of the things we clearly learn from Jesus’ example is that love is all about sacrifice. Love is not about convenience (a mistake too many people make). Love is about putting someone else’s needs above your own. Note: don’t read anything more into that statement than is intended. Your needs still matter and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t get this principle. Love is a two-way street full of mutual love and sacrifice. And hopefully, your mother and I have modeled that well for the two of you.
4. Finally, if you’d like to change anything in your life that you don’t like, then just realize that you’re going to have to make some sacrifices. The bottom line is this—if you could be different just by wishing you were different, then you’d already be different. But you’re not, because you can’t just wish to be different. If you want to be different, you have to give up some of the things you’re currently doing, in order to get something better in the future. It’s always been that way, and always will be.
If you want to succeed at anything in life–and I don’t care if it’s playing the piano or starting a business or getting straight A’s or winning a tennis tournament or being a great parent someday–never forget the title of this post. Make it one of your mantras. Write it on a bunch of stickies and place them around your home and workplace. Why? Because there is no success without sacrifice! Period.
P.S. And as Zig Ziglar likes to say, “You don’t really pay the price, you get to enjoy the price.”
Intentionally Hang With People Better Than You
In general, the two of you have done very well in your choice of friends over the years. You’ve heard and understood the principle that the people you hang with, influence and shape the person you become. And, as you’ve probably come to conclude, when you’ve gone through some rough patches over the years, it’s usually been because of a relationship (or group of relationships) you’ve formed. However, for the most part, the two of you have done exceedingly well in this area.
But, as you now enter this next stage of life, you’re going to need to take that up a notch. You’re going to need to be more intentional about choosing who you’re going to spend time with. Why? Because who you hang out with, will influence who you become. And while your earlier years were somewhat defined by your mother and me, as well as where we lived; your lives from this point forward are wide open—and will be defined by you.
And what you’re probably going to find is that most of the people you’re going to encounter don’t want to get better. They like the thought of getting better, but they really don’t want to do what’s necessary to get better (which is why I say that most people don’t want to get better—remember, actions always speak louder than words).
Now, when it comes to the two of you, you both have virtually unlimited potential—but you’ll never fully develop that potential alone. Since social learning theory is correct (we become like those we spend time with), if you want to tap into that potential, you’re going to need to be very intentional about who you spend your time with. And my recommendation is that you should constantly be looking for people who are better (or beyond) you–in whatever you want to improve in–and then spend time with them.
For example, when it comes to your work, find out who the best performers are in your field of work–and spend time with them. Ask them to mentor you. Volunteer to serve on committees with them. Take a cut in pay if you must to work with them. Study them. Take them out to lunch. Ask lots of questions. Do work on the side for free for them. And guess what? You’ll be rewarded for the rest of your lives for all the time you spent with them.
Also look for people outside of your workplace who are better than you at something. It could be their ability to network and build relationships. It could be their ability to listen and make people feel great. It could be the quality of their relationship with their spouse or kids. It could be their ability to lead people. It could be their skill set related to the kind of work you do. It could be their time management skills. Etc.
In other words, it’s not the specific issue that matters as much to me (or you)—as it is that you’re being intentional about hanging out with people who are better than you.
In general, the people won’t don’t really want to get ahead almost always choose to hang out with people who are either just like them or people with whom they perceive themselves to be better than. Why? Because they want to feel good about who they are and where they are in life.
But if you want to unleash the full potential that is in you, you need a higher standard. You need to surround yourself with people who will help draw out the greatness that is within you. And for that, you need to hang with people who are better than you.
In essence you need to be like the linebacker who chooses to run sprints with the running backs, even though he loses every time. If he wanted to, he could run sprints with the other linebackers and be the winner of every sprint—but why? He’d remain the same. By running sprints with the running backs, even though he loses every race—he knows he’s getting better/faster with every sprint.
That’s who you want to be! You want to be the person who’s running with the running backs. Why? Because you cannot become the person God created you to be by remaining as you are. You’ve got to get better. And one of the great keys to getting better at anything is to be intentional about hanging out with people who are better than you at that thing. So, make sure you choose carefully with whom you’re going to spend your time! Don’t just let it happen.
It’s Values First in Dating
At this stage of the dance, for the two of you, dating is about two primary things.
1. Determining if this is the right person for you, and
2. Preparing each other for your future spouse (whether it’s you or not).
Since the mate question is always front and center at this stage of your lives, you need to make sure you’re clear about what kind of person you’d want to spend the rest of your life with.
Though neither of you are list people, I’m guessing that you have some general ideas in your heads of the kind of person you’d like to marry someday (good looking/attractive, funny/sense of humor, likeable/easy to get along with, good conversationalist, intelligent/smart, will listen to everything your father has to say and think it’s brilliant, etc. :-).
But my counsel would be to make values congruence the primary thing you’re looking for. Why? Because values reveal the deepest part of someone. And if the two of you have different core values—or different hierarchies of core values, you’ll have massive conflicts that will ultimately separate you.
For example, if you value frugality and your spouse values consumption, you’ll have battles about money every week … for the rest of your lives. Or if you value responsibility and your spouse values self-preservation/ego, you’ll be constantly arguing about their excuse-making as to why things never get done. Or if you value excellence and they value relaxation/time off you’ll have conflicts all the time about why things aren’t done well.
But the conflicts aren’t always caused by having different values, sometimes it may be that you have the same or similar values, but the conflict is caused because your core values aren’t on the same priority scale. For example, we have a family friend who had been dating a guy on and off for a number of years, but kept putting off getting engaged. When I talked with this person, I asked her a number of questions which led us to the conclusion that the major reason why she didn’t want to marry him was because her highest value was learning/education. It wasn’t that he didn’t value learning, it was just way down the scale for him (like maybe 10 or 15).
So my counsel to her was, “Never compromise on your top couple of core values.” Learning/education was her highest value. It’s what drove her. And it’s what drove her crazy in her relationship with this guy. Shortly after that conversation she ended their several year old relationship—and not long after that, she met a guy who had a similar top core value of learning/education—and as of this writing, she and her husband have been happily married for over a decade and have three wonderful kids.
So, even though the two of you aren’t big on lists, I’d encourage both of you to do some soul searching and wrestle with the question, “What are my core values?” And then, once you make a list, I’d encourage you to wrestle with, and then whittle that list down to your top five. Once you’re clear on that, then when you meet someone you feel attracted to, you’ll have a better idea of what you’re looking for, “Do we have similar values?”
Most of the things on most people’s lists of what they’re looking for are obvious (like good looking. Duh! If you weren’t attracted to them in the first place, you wouldn’t even be asking the question, “Is this the right person for me?”). If you want to be wise, you want to have a better list and ask better questions. In this case, you want to ask the values congruence question—and, if you do, you’ll be well ahead of the rest of the class—and on your way to finding someone with whom you can build a marriage with that will not only last, but be a joy!
One last note: In case you’re curious, your core values don’t have to be in the same order, they just need to be in the same general vicinity.
To get you started, here’s a sample list of core values you can use to stimulate your thinking (and begin the debating :-).
Authenticity, Affordability, Change, Cleanliness, Collaboration, Commitment, Competency, Consistency, Continuous Improvement, Creativity, Curiosity, Dependability, Diversity, Education, Efficiency, Excellence, Fairness, Frugality, Fun, Generosity, Growth, Hard Work, Health, Honesty, Humility, Imagination, Influence, Initiative, Integrity, Intelligence, Justice, Knowledge, Laughter, Lifelong Learning, Loyalty, Objectivity, Openness, Optimism/Positive Thinking, Passion, Perseverance, Play, Productivity, Professionalism, Promptness, Quality, Reliability, Respect, Responsibility, Responsiveness, Results, Safety, Security, Service, Simplicity, Speed, Teachability, Teamwork, Trust/trustworthiness, Value, Wisdom
95% is 5% Too Short
As you’ve probably already noticed, most people are content with doing less than a 100%. They’ll do “just enough” and be happy with that—but “just enough” is not enough if you want to be at a top performer (whether that’s at work or at home or at church or for a non-profit).
In fact, let me give you a home life example of this. Several years ago, when your mother and I were first married, if I’d do the dishes, I’d often do the 95% and be content with that. 
The majority of the dishes were done, the majority of the counters had been wiped clean, the food that needed to be refrigerated had been put away etc.—and I was okay with that. But not your mother.
She was annoyed that there was always something that wasn’t completely done. The dishes that had to be hand washed were drying on the counter top. The counter tops may have been wiped clean, but not the stove top. Or the food may have been put away, but one or two spice jars were still on the countertop. In other words, there was always something left that she had to finish. Finally fed up with this, one day she simply said, “Bruce, if the kitchen isn’t completely done, it’s not done!” (or in my language, “95% is 5% too short!” You either complete the task or you don’t. 95% is not done!
This principle holds true across the board. For example, in school, most of your peers are okay with not doing the last 5%. They won’t do the extra work, they won’t do that last search to find that perfect illustration/quote/fact. They won’t do that extra edit to clean up their grammar. They won’t take the time to say something different, etc. But if you want to be great, you’ve got to do all those things. You’ve got to go the last 5% for a number of reasons—for yourself, because that’s where all the rewards are, and because you rarely know ahead of time where the line is between just okay and great performance.
For example, I remember when I was at the University of Wisconsin–Madison and in my first accounting class (which was the weed class for business majors with several hundred students in each section). To get prepared for the exams, the professors gave us access to all their past exams. The idea was that we were supposed to study the exams to learn how to think about problems so that when they threw something at us on the exams that we hadn’t seen before, we’d understand the thinking behind how to solve those problems.
During that semester, there were a couple of us who got straight A’s on every exam. But what we discovered when we talked about this was that all of us had studied an average of 40 hours per exam. We couldn’t find one person who had studied less than 40 hours who got straight A’s. We also knew plenty of people who had studied 30 to 39 hours who all got B’s. Think about that. At 39 hours, they were just 5% too short. An extra hour. An extra problem or two. Etc. and they probably would have had an A. Life is like that. It’s often that, “little bit extra,” that makes all the difference.
This is clearly true at work. Again, most people will be content with doing just what’s required or what the minimum is. But not you! If you want to succeed, you have to keep thinking, “95% is 5% too short!” Do the extra work. Put in the, “little bit extra.” Do the extra edit. Stay late to complete the project as an “A”. Why? Because, 95% is 5% too short!
If you’re going to do something, do it fully. If you’re going to clean your room/apartment, do it fully. If you’re going to write a paper/report, put in the “little bit extra” to make it great. If you’re going to create a presentation, add a few extra touches to make it sing. If you’re going to use an illustration, do the extra work to find the perfect illustration, not just one that’s “okay.” If you’re going to orchestrate a date, take the time to add your own touches of creativity so that it’s memorable. And if you’re going to volunteer to do a project at work, make sure you do the “little bit extra” so that it stands out.
Any way you add it up, 95% is always 5% too short. So cultivate the habit of doing, “the last 5%,” and you’ll begin to realize that all the rewards go to those who do “the last 5%.”
Make Execution One of Your Core Competencies
As an employee, there are few more important reputations you can acquire than this one, “She gets things done!” 
Despite what you may want to think, the primary reason anyone gets hired is because another person (boss/owner/executive/manager etc.) wants to achieve a result–and they need someone else to help them achieve that result.
No owner or executive I’ve ever known (apart from family/friend) has hired anyone just because they wanted to give another person money to make their life easier or to help them pay their rent or buy them clothes or send them on vacation. No! Every good executive/owner/manager/boss hires someone because they want to get something done that they can’t do (or can’t do alone).
Once you realize that—that you’re not hired because you’re you—but because someone wants to achieve a result through you—everything changes. It’s never about you. It’s always about them and what they want to achieve through you.
Knowing that, what’s the best reputation you can acquire? Exactly! To be the person on their team whom they know, “gets things done!” (or, in the more proper language of business, to be the person who executes well).
Having said that, I need to let you know that being great at execution is not as easy as it sounds. There will always be a whole legion of forces fighting against you becoming great at this. For example:
1 Your peers. While there will be some of your peers who will want you to be great at execution, most won’t—especially when it comes to getting things done quickly. Why? Because they don’t want to be shown up. They want to work slowly because they want to justify their time and effort because they wrongly think that they get paid for their time. Or they don’t want you to advance ahead of them. Etc. So always be careful, those who appear to be your friends, often won’t be when it comes to getting things done.
2. Your fears. Everyone has them. But they’re lethal when it comes to getting things done. As you’ve undoubtedly already noticed in life—your fears (of failure or rejection or even success) will often stop you from taking action. “What will happen if I don’t succeed?” Or, “What if they never want to work with me again?” Or, “If I get this done quickly, what will my boss think of my friends here?” But as you’ve heard me say frequently, “Fears are the wrong use of your imagination.” Imagine the best, not the worst outcome and you’ll get unstuck and be able to move forward.
3. Your personalities. Both of you are “P’s” in Myers-Briggs terminology, which means you both prefer to be spontaneous (i.e. to not order your world). But personality preferences can be adjusted (e.g. you know I’m an introvert, but function like an extrovert when I’m with people–because that’s what’s required). In both of your cases, when you’re at work, you’ll both need to adjust your personalities to be more organized and ordered than you would be on your own. Make lists. Create systems. Organize flow charts. Set up spreadsheets with milestones. Use best practices from project management, etc. not because that’s who you are, but because that’s what’s required to get things done (at work, at home or at church)–especially when multiple people are involved in executing something.
4. Your passions. Another one of your personality preferences which will get in the way of being great at execution, which is true for both of you, is that you’re both F’s (meaning feelers). While this is a great trait for relationships, its often a great hindrance to getting things done. Why? Because not all work is fun or sexy or cool or interesting. Some work is “blocking and tackling,” (i.e. the ordinary stuff that comes along with any job). And some work just has to get done by someone–even though you’re not really interested or excited by it. Which means that if you want to develop a reputation as the person who “gets things done!” you’re going to have to learn to fight against your personality preferences.
However, what I will say, is that when you fight the forces against you and acquire the reputation as the person in your workplace who “gets things done” (i.e. who executes well), your career will take off! Why? Because that’s why you were hired. You were hired to achieve results. And since the vast majority of workers don’t get this, you’ll quickly move up the ladder in any organization or business you work with/for (or be recruited by someone who does get this).
So, never focus on being busy or the amount of time you spend at work. Focus on results. Figure out, “What needs to get done?” and then get it done. Get it done fast. Get it done well. Get it done beyond expectations. And you’ll do incredibly well no matter where you work. Trust me on this. You always want to be known as, “The person who gets things done around here!”
Always Apologize
As much as we all like NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs 
is absolutely wrong on this one. Apologizing is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. And more importantly, it’s a sign of someone’s commitment to a relationship.
One of the things I’ve always taught the leaders I’ve led or coached is to always apologize (though, unfortunately, not all have listened and practiced this). To me, apologizing is such an easy thing to do—yet so few people are willing to do it—which makes absolutely no sense to me because the words are so easy, “I’m sorry,” and the impact is so great. Why would you not?
One of the top executive coaches in our nation is a man named, Marshall Goldsmith. He coaches the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. And listen to what he has to say about this topic.
“I regard apologizing as the most magical, healing, restorative gesture human beings can make. It is the centerpiece of my work with executives who want to get better.”
I love that! Listen to those words again. Don’t forget them. “[It is] the most magical, healing, restorative gesture human beings can make.” Amen!
Of course, the opposite is also true. Not apologizing is one of the most destructive, relationship-severing and unhealthy gestures human beings can make. And as you’ve seen in some experiences we’ve gone through over the years, not apologizing can literally sever hundreds of relationships for good.
The two of you are now past the stage of your parents saying, “Now, apologize to your sister!” At this point, it’s up to the two of you to make the following choice.
- Am I going to be someone who’s humble enough to apologize freely in order to restore relationships?
- Or am I going to be one of those proud people who cares more about preserving my ego than my relationships? That is a critical question.
Now, you may be wondering, “What if I didn’t do anything wrong?” Well, if that’s the case, apologize for what you can. Remember, perception is reality (and the relationship is what matters). So if someone feels you’ve done something wrong, at least say something like, “I’m sorry that when I said … it communicated to you … I value our relationship and hope you’ll accept my apology and we can move forward …” (or something to that effect).
There are only a few times in life when you’ll probably have to make a decision to not apologize (you did nothing wrong and they clearly did). But for the most part, I’d recommend living by the rule of this lesson, “Always apologize.”
If you choose to do that, you’ll build far more relationships, have far less conflict, and be known as a peace-maker. And as Marshall Goldsmith hints at—you’ll leave behind you a whole trail of people who will have encountered, “the most magical, healing, restorative gesture [a] human being can make.”
Gibbs is wrong. Always apologize!
Create Margin in Everything, All the Time
There is tendency in our culture, and both of you have picked it up, to run everything to the edge. In other words, you tend to wait until the last moment to do something. You tend to spend what you have. You tend to wait until the gas gauge is past empty. You tend to think you can get from point A to point B in the perfect amount of time, etc. And the problem with all that is that life doesn’t work out perfectly (as I mentioned in the lesson I wrote on, “Forget Being On Time”).
But there’s a more important reason to create margin than just being on time/early. And that reason is your health, which could be more specifically called, “Your stress levels.” Believe it or not, stress takes a bigger toll on your lives than either of you are willing to admit. And stress doesn’t just cause headaches, it increases your susceptibility to colds, depression, heart disease, tooth and gum disease, ulcers, diabetes, it impairs cognitive functioning and it even increases abdominal fat. Any way you add it up, stress is just bad.
And the amazing thing about stress is that the two of you have far more control over the amount of it you experience than you’re willing to own up to. Yes, I know both of you are Ps (Perceivers in Myers-Briggs language) so you like to be spontaneous. But personality typologies are not meant to be prescriptive, just descriptive (i.e. they’re not meant to be excuses).
So, if you’d like to live a more full and enjoyable life—with a whole lot less stress—I’d encourage you to make a commitment to creating a life filled with margin in everything you do. For example
1. Create margin with your money. If you read the post on Money Management 101, you should have noticed that I suggested having at least three month’s living expenses in your checking/savings account. This is margin. On the other hand, when you run your balance in your account to near zero, every day is stressful. “Can I make this purchase?” “Can I afford to go out to dinner with my friends?” “WIll I have enough money to pay my rent this month?” Etc. That’s all stress. The easy way to alleviate all that stress is to simply create some money margin.
2. Create margin with your gas. You’ve heard me say this a hundred times, but running on empty is always a bad idea. Treat a quarter tank or an eighth of a tank as an empty tank. Fill up before you ever hit “E” and you’ll never wonder if you have enough gas to get to your next appointment or if you’ll be the sad motorist on the side of the road waiting for AAA to come by while everyone else looks on thinking, “Loser. Sure glad that’s not me!”
3. Create margin with your time. I keep hammering this because there’s nothing wrong with arriving early. No one gets marked as a, “Loser!” because they arrive early. In fact, just the opposite is true. When you arrive early, you’re seen as a winner. Plus, you’ve just eliminated all that stress of wondering if you’re going to be on time (and of getting upset with that slow driver or that big truck or those “stupid traffic lights that are conspiring against me.” :-)
4. Create margin with your sleep. I know this may come as a surprise, but there’s nothing wrong with getting a good night’s sleep—really.There is no law that says that if you’re a certain age, like 18 -21, that you have to stay up until at least 2:00 a.m. Get the rest your body requires (6-8 hours) and you’ll be surprised at how much better you feel all day long.
5. Create margin with your relationships. Invest time in your relationships before conflict arises. Keep short accounts. Ask more questions. Send more notes. Etc. Our ethnic history (Italian) has a principle worth remembering, “We always want to be owed more favors than we owe.” Or as Harvey MacKay puts it in his book on networking and relationships, “Dig Your Well Before You’re Thirsty.“
6. Create margin for yourself. The good news is that both of you have good hearts and love helping other people. The bad news is that you can become so focused on helping others that you don’t create time for yourselves—to replenish your emotional tanks. But Jesus’ words are clear, ”Love your neighbor as yourself.“ In other words, loving others is predicated on you loving yourself first. You can’t keep giving out, if you don’t take care of you first. So make sure you create time for just you, every day!
Margin-less living is no fun—It’s stressful, and it’s terrible for your health. Instead, make a decision, starting today, to create more margin in everything you do. You will not get in trouble by having excess time or money or rest or emotional energy. In fact, the opposite will happen. You’ll reap all kinds of rewards for having lots of margin in your life–including a lot less stress and a whole lot more joy!
Use Your Imagination for Its Intended Purpose, Not for Fear
Every day of your lives, the two of you are presented with an unbelievable number of opportunities where you can either anticipate the best or the worst of that event/experience/moment/activity etc. For example,
- Your boss is going to be happy with you or rake you over the coals
- You’re going to ace an exam or fail it
- A guy is going to like you or be indifferent to you
- Your support will all come in for your missions trip or not
- You’re going to be a success in your career or not
- You’re going to be able to comprehend the material or not
- You’re going to have enough money to pay your bills or not, etc.
This will be true for you every day for the rest of your lives. So the question is, “How do you avoid living a life based on fear?” And the answer is found in first understanding what causes fear. Fear is not reality. If something bad actually happened to you, you wouldn’t be afraid of it, you’d be dealing with it.
Fear is always based on a negative expectation about a future event. And how do we create those negative expectations? Answer: By using our imaginations incorrectly. When we’re afraid, what we do is paint a picture in our minds of a future event and color it with negative outcomes (an angry boss, a difficult exam, a guy who’s not interested, not enough money coming in, etc.). And then we ascribe a value to that image (failure, rejection, loser, etc.), which only makes the negative emotion even worse–and the cycle continues.
But the question is, “What started that cycle?” Exactly! The wrong use of our imaginations. Now, the reason I say wrong use of our imaginations is because we were created with our imaginations for a purpose. And what was that purpose? The purpose was/is that God wants us to live by faith. And what is faith? Faith is a positive expectation of a future event (the exact opposite of fear).
Again, if something good has already occurred, we don’t need faith (we already have it or it’s positive effect). Faith is always about a future event. “Faith is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see.”
In other words, you were created by God to use your imagination to anticipate the best outcomes in life, not the worst. When you give in to the worst, you allow the enemy to win. And since you don’t want that to be true, you always want to harness your imagination for the best, not the worst. In that way, you, God, your family, your friends, your company/organization, your community and everyone else wins.
But it all comes down to that choice that only you can make, “Am I going to expect that worst of this moment/event/experience/activity etc., or am I going to expect the best?” It’s all in your head. It really is.
However, the one thing you don’t have the luxury of doing is abdicating the responsibility for this. No one or nothing else can make you afraid. This one is all up to you. It’s your choice. So choose wisely. Make sure you choose to use your imagination for it’s intended purpose—not for fear! If you do that, every day, you’ll live a truly remarkable life!
P.S. We’ll discuss this later, but in most cases, you can eliminate a fear by simply doing the thing you’re afraid of (assuming it’s a wise thing to do). Stop worrying about calling someone and pick up the phone. Stop worrying about the exam and start studying. Stop worrying about what your boss will say and instead turn in a stellar report. Worry (a low level fear) does you no good. So eliminate it by taking action and fear/worry will flee virtually instantly.
Eliminate “I Know That!” From Your Vocabulary
When I’m giving a seminar, one of my frequent comments to my audiences is, “Now, as we’re going through this material, if you ever catch yourself saying, ”I know that!“ I want to encourage you to eliminate that thought immediately. 
Why? Because knowing something intellectually is irrelevant to our discussion today. The only relevant questions are,
- Am I doing that?
- If not, why not?
- And if I am doing it, then how can I maximize this?
Since no one maximizes anything, the thought ‘I know that!’ is irrelevant.”
One of the grave mistakes that I watch so many people make is thinking that if they “know” something intellectually, then they “know it.” But that’s not correct. Until something is part of your experience, you don’t really “know” it.
But more importantly, whenever someone tries telling you something and you say to yourself, “I know that!” what you’re really doing is closing down mentally–and that can have serious consequences.
For example, when your boss says, “I want you to ….” and you start thinking, “I know that!” (especially with the rolling of your eyes) you’ve disengaged. But your boss, like your father :-), isn’t telling you to do something just because they want to fill up air space. When they’re telling you to do something, it’s because they haven’t seen you do it yet.
The way to end the conversation is not by closing down mentally (or verbally) with, “I know that!”, but rather to take action and do the thing they’re asking you to do.
Likewise, if you’re reading a book or listening to a seminar or sermon, and you start saying to yourself, “I know that!”, once again, you’re shutting yourself off to a potential teachable moment. Instead of listening and asking yourself, “Am I doing that?” Or, “How can I maximize this in my life?” Or, “How can I use this to improve what I’m working on?” you’ll cut off all opportunities to learn with one simple three word phrase, “I know that!”
From my perspective, learning is driven by two things;
- Curiosity and
- Humility.
When you’re humble enough to learn from anyone and anything; and you’re insatiably curious enough so you start asking lots of questions, then you’ll be a learner. But you won’t be a true learner if it’s simply content retained in your cranium. To learn means “to change behavior.” In other words, until something becomes real in your experience, you haven’t really learned it.
Once you have learned it, you then want to take it to the next level and ask, “How can I maximize this?” And even after that, you’ll frequently need to be reminded of things you “know” (or better “knew). It’s part of the human experience. We all need to be reminded of things we ”know.“
So, may I encourage you to eliminate the phrase, ”I know that!“ from your vocabulary. Instead, make a habit of asking these three questions.
- Am I doing that?
- If not, why not?
- And if I am doing it, then how can I maximize this?
And your life will be infinitely richer!
So, if you want to be a true learner, make sure that what you ”know“ becomes part of your experience. And if you want to keep your boss (or father or anyone else) from telling you something that you ”know,“ just do it. Action will always settle the argument immediately!
Always Demand More From Yourself
I never cease to be amazed by how many people are content with doing the minimum, with doing just what’s asked of them—when there’s so much more that’s in them. And the biggest thing that holds them back is their standard—their expectation of what acceptable performance for them.
Chelsea, I don’t know if you remember this conversation, but when you were in elementary school, you were used to getting A’s, and then one day you came home with a C, and it was on an essay exam.
In your mind, you had done a good job and answered the question, but the teacher disagreed. I can still remember my response to you all these years later. I said …
“Chelsea, up to this point, you’ve lived in a True/False, Multiple Choice World, where you either got the question right or you got the question wrong. But now you’re entering the Essay world, and you’re going to be here for the rest of your life. In the Essay world, if you answer a question correctly, you get a C, because that’s what a C means. A C means you answered the question correctly.
In the True/False or Multiple Choice World, the correct answer gets you an A, but in the Essay World it only gets you a C. If you want to get a B, then you need to show your teacher something more. You have to show them something better than average. You need to show them that you’ve thought about this question more deeply and that you have a better reasoned answer than just regurgitating the correct answer.
But remember, just giving your teacher something more doesn’t earn you an A, it only gets you a B. If you want an A, then you need to earn an A. And an A answer goes above and beyond what could be expected. An A answer shows your teacher something new and different. An A answer shows your teacher that you’ve done more research and uncovered something other kids haven’t or you’ve thought more deeply and connected more ideas or you’ve crafted your argument in a new and more compelling way.
Chelsea, you’ve just entered the Essay World. And if you want to keep getting A’s, then you’re going to have to raise your standard of what’s acceptable for you. Just giving your teacher the ”right answer“ will give you C’s. If you want to keep getting A’s, then you’re going to have to earn them from now on by giving your teacher more than what’s expected.”
And the only person who can do that is … you! Now, the good news is that both of you have responded and done exceedingly well in school. Your mother and I are exceedingly proud of both of you. However, as you transition from home and college, into real life, I cannot overstate how important this lesson is going to be for you.
Your bosses won’t be giving you exams any more to let you know what grade you’re earning. When you get married someday, your spouse won’t be giving you exams. When you serve in church or in a community organization, you won’t be getting exam grades back. No, from this point forward, it’s all up to you.
You have to determine what level of performance is acceptable for you. And my encouragement, if you want to live an exceptional life, is to always demand more from yourself, than anyone else can reasonably expect from you. Show up early. Do more research. Think more deeply. Connect more ideas. Help more people. Practice longer. Stay later. Check one more reference. Make five more phone calls. Submit more ideas. Refuse to accept ordinary. Do one more re-write. Etc. In other words, demand more from yourself—and you’ll live an exceptional life.
One of the people whose example best demonstrated this for me was Carl F. H. Henry. 
Dr. Henry was one of the great theologians of the twentieth century—and the founder of the magazine, Christianity Today, When I was in seminary, Dr. Henry came to campus to present a week long intensive course. Knowing his background in writing, and desiring to write someday, I set up an appointment to meet with him. When I walked into his office, he was pouring over a manuscript. I sat down and then asked him my big question. “As someone who aspires to write sometime in the future, what advice would you give a young writer?”
He looked at me and said, “Come over here.” I walked up behind his desk as he was pointing to the manuscript he was correcting and I was shocked. I had never seen so much red on a document in all of my life. Whole paragraphs were crossed off. Sentences red lined. Words circled. New words written above crossed out ones. Arrows pointing to new places. It was a bloody mess.
Then Professor Henry said something I’ve never forgotten. “Bruce, this is my third draft.”
I was shocked. The great Carl F.H. Henry had just butchered his own third draft. He then went on to say the second thing I’ve never forgotten, “You see, the difference between an amateur writer and a professional is that an amateur writes something and says, ‘Oh, that’s good!’. But a professional always thinks, ‘That could be better,’ because the essence of good writing is rewriting.” And then came the clincher, “Bruce, the only thing that stops a professional from continually rewriting a piece he’s written is a deadline.”
I’ve never forgotten that conversation (or seeing all that red on a manuscript) but it changed me. Dr. Henry was a great man in many ways, but, in my humble opinion, it was that standard that he held himself to that made everything else work so well. So may I encourage you to be just like Dr. Henry, and always demand more of yourself than anyone else.
Forget Being on Time!
Now, before you misread that statement, let me be clear, I didn’t say, “Be late!” I said, “Forget being on time!” Why? Because it’s virtually impossible to be right on time. To find two people’s watches (or cell phones) to be in sync is a rare experience (and clearly not in sync for the same second).
In fact, I was recently at a meeting where someone was running late. The four of us who were already in the conference room checked our cell phones and noticed that all four of us had different times (and two of us were using the same cell phone carrier!). So forget being on time. Instead, be early!
Now, I know both of you tend to run late. So let me encourage you to consider that what drives lateness isn’t something that you want to drive your behavior (or mark your life) … selfishness. And let me share this from my own experience.
For years I’ve always run a few minutes late. Why? Because I was always trying to get “one last thing done.” Then when I moved from being the senior pastor of a church (where everyone was waiting to meet with me) to being a consultant, I started showing up earlier. And that’s when it dawned on me that for years, my lateness was driven by selfishness. Showing up late because I had to get work done (so they had to wait on me) wasn’t the mark of a servant. It was all me-focused–not other-focused.
Now, none of this was intentional. I never thought, “I care more about me and my time than theirs. So what if they have to wait?” But that is what it said to the other person. And now that I have to wait for some clients now, I’m even more aware of that.
So, my encouragement is that you always shoot to be early (as hard as that is for the two of you). And the key to being early, is to create margin. In other words, you have to stop pushing everything to the last moment, assuming that the world will be in perfect alignment and allow you to get from point A to point B in the best, most optimal time. Just because you made it ONE TIME in ten minutes, doesn’t mean that’s how long it will normally take (which is probably closer to 15 minutes).
In other words, it’s better to assume that something will go wrong and prolong your trip, than it is to assume that everything will go perfectly and you’ll arrive in the optimal amount of time. In addition, by choosing to create margin and arriving early, you’ll not only communicate to the other person that they matter to you, you’ll also greatly reduce your stress (and the chance of getting a speeding ticket :-).
So forget being on time! And start arriving early. It’s a great life lesson that’ll serve you well for the rest of your life.
Why Slow is Much Better than Fast (in Dating)
When I was in college, I came across a book that radically changed my thoughts on dating. 
It was called, Too Close, Too Soon. Up to that point, I was a typical guy who thought that “close” and “soon” were two very positively related terms. Afterwards, not so much. And though it’s been a couple of decades since I read that book, I can still remember two of their primary arguments.
1. There is a correlation between the number of hours spent together and the level of physical intimacy. In and of itself, this seems obvious. But the point the authors were making is that when two people meet and become infatuated with one another, the natural thing to do is to spend as much time together as possible. Again, that seems harmless, but the problem is that infatuation (as wonderful as it is) is not reality. You don’t really know if you “love” the other person during this stage (even though you feel like you do), which is why so many people move farther physically than they really should.
So the wise thing to do when you’re emotions are hot and heavy is to do the opposite thing of what you want to do–i.e. to spend fewer hours together rather than more. And don’t worry about what will happen if you’re not together all the time. Your mother and I will be celebrating 26 years of marriage tomorrow (6/2/10), and we were on two different college campuses (Wisconsin and Ohio State) when we met. In fact, being physically apart was probably key to our relationship because we had to learn to communicate by writing letters (this was pre-internet) and calling every couple of days (because we were both broke and long distance calls used to be expensive). In other words, in the early days, the physical couldn’t get in the way of the relational–and that’s probably one of key reasons why we’ve had such a great love relationship for over a quarter of a century. It was built on relational intimacy first and foremost.
2. As a woman, you need time to process the relationship emotionally first. This was one of the big “Ah-ha!” moments for me in the book. The author’s argument (which I concur with) is that men and women process a relationship in a different order. Men commit the physical part first, then the emotional. Women, on the other hand, commit the emotional part first, and then the physical. If you get this, it changes everything.
So what happens for a woman when a guy pushes them to be more physical too quickly? Exactly, they’re forced to rush through the emotional developmental part of the relationship–which creates all kinds of other problems. But for the guy, it’s no big deal because it’s just physical for him. He’s still in the lust/infatuation stage. Love is a distant thought (though he may use the word to convince you he’s farther along than he is). Guys are guys. And no matter what they say, they’re going to try to push the relationship as far physically as they can.
This also explains why breakups are usually harder for women than for men. Why? Because the woman has usually invested both the emotional and the physical part to the relationship. Whereas the guy is still at the physical only stage.
So, as the two of you continue the dating part of your relational quests to find the right guys, my encouragement to the two of you is to make sure you both control the speed of the relationship. As the female part of the relationship, you have far more control than you think–so use that power. Keep the pace slow. Say, “No!” a lot. And keep the number of hours together low in the beginning (as hard as that is) because, in general, it takes three to six months to get past the infatuation stage. Once you get past that point, then you’ll have a better idea of whether this is a “love” relationship worth pursuing.
Avoiding Something Uncomfortable Is Never In Your Best Interest
There is a natural tendency within all of us that wants to put off dealing with anything uncomfortable–yet following that tendency almost always makes the situation worse (especially in the long run). 
It’s far better to push through the short term “pain” or uncomfortableness and do what needs to be done, than it is to simply avoid doing what needs to be done, as long as possible.
For example,
- Paying your bills. Don’t wait until the last moment and then risk late fees and interest charges. Always pay them with a few days margin. And of your bills, the three most important bills are your rent/mortgage (you always want a roof over your head), your credit card bill (this will usually be your largest bill and the interest on this alone will kill you if you don’t pay it off every month) and your insurance bill (if you miss by a day they may cancel your insurance and then you’ll really pay through the roof–always, always pay your insurance bill early)
- Seeing the doctor. If you notice a spot or feel something unusual, don’t wait. Go see the doctor. Avoiding seeing a doctor is never a wise strategy. This principle also applies to the dentist.
- Telling a boyfriend it’s over. Yes, you may care for him–but that doesn’t mean you should put off telling him it’s over. Dragging on a relationship with someone you really don’t want to be in a relationship with, just because you don’t want to have “the conversation,” with him isn’t a wise strategy. When it’s over, it’s over. Have the conversation.
- Having a crucial conversation. Every relationship has junk in it (not just boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife). As you’ve heard me say, “It’s impossible for two people who come from different backgrounds, who have different personalities, different likes and dislikes, and different experiences to be in a relationship with someone and not have conflict.” The question is never whether there’s going to be conflict. The only question is when (and over what). However, that said, it’s not the conflict that creates real relational problems. It’s avoiding those difficult conversations that does them in. So, don’t avoid conflict. Have the hard conversations as soon as possible.
- Fixing something on your car. Avoiding replacing tires that are worn out is always unwise. Or avoiding getting an oil change or a transmission fluid flush (minor costs when compared to having to replace an engine). Or avoiding to check your fluids. These are all minor issues compared to what could happen. So, don’t avoid what needs to be done on your car.
- Homework/Work Projects. Enough said! Since you both struggle with this one :-).
One of the core drivers in every human being is the desire to avoid pain. However, part of the maturation process is learning how to overcome that driver so that you’re able to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, so that short-term pain leads to long-term pleasure (and not the reverse). As hard as it may be, always remember that avoiding something uncomfortable is NOT in your best interest.
Money Management 101
As you’ll notice as you go through life, most people will struggle with money and finances–and this is true regardless of how much they make or have. So, if you’d like to avoid that, you’ll want to follow a simple formula that, if followed, will ensure that you’ll never be in bondage to money and debt.
Now, I have to warn you, up front, that you and your friends will want to tip this formula on its head and follow it from the wrong direction–but don’t. Follow it as laid out and you’ll be richly blessed.
So, here’s the simple formula
- Give God the first 10% of what you make (from the gross amount)
- Put the second 10% in savings/investments
- Pay your taxes
- Pay your obligations (starting with your rent–and later, mortgage)
- Enjoy the rest
As I said, the temptation (which is what most people do) is to always reverse the order. Most people want to spend whatever they want on whatever they want, then they pay the least amount possible on their debts and obligations, then they begrudgingly pay their taxes, and then with what’s left over, they put a little away and maybe put a few dollars in the collection plate–and then they wonder why they’re in such a financial mess! Why? Because they reversed the order. So don’t!
Yes, it may be difficult at this stage to think about tithing (the first 10%) or of putting 10% of your money away for the future–but this is exactly when you need to learn to do this. If you don’t start tithing on $100, you won’t on $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000. Remember, first you make your choices, then your choices make you.
Likewise, if you don’t start saving now, you won’t later. Remember, later never arrives. Also, the minimal amount of money that you ought to keep in your savings/checking account is three month’s worth of expenses (more is better). In other words, if your go through $2500/month right now, then you need to do everything you can to acquire $7,500 in your savings/checking account as soon as possible.
Why? Because life doesn’t always work out perfectly–and you want to be prepared for that. What happens if your job gets eliminated? Or your car breaks down and needs an expensive repair? Or you get sick and can’t work for awhile? You always want to be prepared ahead of time for the unexpected (which is called, life). Plus, when you do this, you’ll find that it’ll greatly reduce your stress. I’ve never understood why so many people choose to live paycheck by paycheck. You don’t want that–you want margin. And the more margin, the better (which, equates to less stress).
Now, if you’ve been following this argument, then you know that what this means is that you can’t simply spend what you want to spend on whatever you want to spend it on. What you get to spend (whether it’s on fast food or clothes or makeup or a car or a TV or …) is always based on the first four steps having been completed. In other words, if you haven’t honored God first or put money away second or paid your taxes third or paid off all your obligations fourth (starting with your rent/mortgage), then you shouldn’t be spending money going out with friends or buying a new outfit. You should only do those things with what’s left over AFTER the other four are met (not the other way around).
If you choose to follow this formula, you’ll be financially free. If you don’t, it’s your choice. But remember, first you make your choices, then your choices make you. So, choose wisely!
First You Make Your Choices, Then Your Choices Make You
As I was pondering this first post, I started to get stuck. Out of all the hundreds of life lessons I want to make sure I pass along to you, which one should I start with? That’s a daunting question (and one we’ll come back to since you both struggle with procrastination :-). But then I realized it’s an irrelevant question because this is simply the beginning of a journey for the three of us.
So then I asked myself, “What was the first lesson that came to my mind when I asked myself that question?” and the answer was the title of this post, “First you make your choices, then your choices make you.”
No matter what you choose, once you choose that thing, you not only have said, “No!” to every other option possible, you’ve also set in course a series of outcomes which will then shape and influence you (and, in many cases, for the rest of your lives). For example, if you choose to stay up late watching TV, 
then you’ve not only said, “No!” to everything else (from sleep to studying to devotions, etc.), you’ve also set in course a whole series of outcomes (like being tired the next day, not being mentally sharp, etc.).
The lie that the two of you and I buy into far too often is that this one thing won’t really affect us that much. But rarely is that one thing found in isolation. Just a little more dessert doesn’t seem like a big deal, but that choice, made consistently, does change us. First we make our choice, then our choice makes us.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately with TV. If I totaled up all the time I’ve watched TV since I graduated from college, I’d be ashamed. If I’d taken that same time and worked on writing books, I’d probably have published 15 or more books. If I took some of that time and used it to learn new languages, I’d probably speak several languages by now. Or if I’d chosen to use that time to read, I’d probably have read through the whole collection of “Great Books.”
Now, you know I’m not against watching TV or entertainment per se. But that choice, just like every other choice, has influenced my life over time. As of today, I’m 49 years old. And while I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life, I’m still unpublished, I’m still mono-lingual. And I’ve read just a few of the “Great Books.” At no point in my life, while I was watching 24 or Lie to Me or The Cosby Show or Murder One, etc. did I ever think, “Boy, this is keeping me from writing a book that could influence and change thousands upon thousands of people’s lives,” but it has. First you make your choices, then your choices make you.
The two of you are at a great point in your lives--and you’ve both made lots of great choices up to this point. But you’re both now at critical points in your lives where the choices you’re making, will greatly influence the shape and direction of your lives. Some of those choices will be big (like who to date or what job to take), but most of them will be little (like what to do with your time or what to eat or who to hang out with this evening or what to watch or should I put off this purchase until I have enough money to pay for this with cash).
Yet, the size of those decisions is irrelevant because each one will set in course a series of outcomes that will shape you. So make sure that you choose wisely EVERY DAY because first you make your choices then your choices make you!